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natalie

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[29 Dec 2006|01:57am]
things dont totally suck right now...granted im still not exactly allowed out of the house but my new job is soooo much better than fucking macys and well theres always hot boy...fuck i need sex now
what sound does a goose make?!

[13 Dec 2006|11:04pm]
i was almost able to adjust to the fact that i failed and had to come home. i had a job and a good routine with cassi and galen which was actually keeping me stable. but then once again i had to fuck things up. now not only am i going to individual and group therapy to deal with the fact that i hate myself but i am also being drug tested and breathalized daily by my parents. i have absolutely no freedom and the worst part of it is that its all my fault. i dont think i am any more fucked up than any of my friends. we all drink and smoke too much but i just happen to have parents who take life too seriously. i realized the reason my parents and i cant see eye to eye is because i would rather live life as a joke. i hate that i cant see my friends until i have a clean drug test but worst of all i hate the fact that once im actually allowed to be with my friends ill probably still be miserable. ive lost the ability to have fun without drugs and although i love my friends and think they are the most entertaining people i know hanging out with them sober is not gonna be all that much better than being stuck at home. what the hell do people who dont do drugs do for fun? i just cant think of it. maybe the prozac will start working and ill find this new passion for just being alive but for now life is bland and keeps getting worse. i know its stupid of me to bitch about my problems when there are others in the world with it much worse but pain is relative and all i can compare myself to is my friends who still get to be in school, see each other, and have fun without their parents controlling everything they do. sometimes i wonder how a few of them would be able to deal with what i deal with. they would probably kill themselves. so i know this is like the most negative post ever but its just something that had to happen because i spend my entire life pretending things are ok laughing my problems away and this is one way to let out how i actually feel. fuuuuuucccccckkkkkk
what sound does a goose make?!

[15 Oct 2006|09:37pm]
doing my homework sleeping and being alone this weekend really made me feel a bit better. plus im not getting kicked out of housing! ive decided to stop worrying about other people around here who bring me down and focus on my new friends which really just make me feel good. Im also glad lauren is back so i will be less lonely.
what sound does a goose make?!

[11 Oct 2006|02:06pm]
i wish there was some way that i could stop hating myself. i was hoping that college would change things and i could start over again. i could forget about every stupid natalie move ive made in the past but unfortunatly ive realized i cant escape being such a fucking retard. I just want to be able to respect myself. i want to be happy with the way i look. im sick of spending so much time worrying about my weight or the way my skin looks. i want to love myself so maybe eventually i can allow someone else to love me too. its just so hard when all i do is fuck up. ive gotten used to making fun of myself and allowing others to as well but deep down inside i feel like complete shit and im starting to realize that i have nothing to offer to the world. everyone here is so talented with their fucking music, art, writing, and various other special tricks but i have nothing. i am nothing but a giant fuck up. i need a hug but i cant even bring myself to other people how i feel
2 questions ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[06 Oct 2006|02:38pm]
i have to make a post because everyone is coming down here around three which means that ive decided to get my homework done before they get here. of course that means that i will just spend the next few hours on facebook and livejournal but at least i can pretend like i did something productive...

anywho things have been pretty interesting here. the other day was the first rain and the first time i ever saw thousands of drunk people running around in a mob of drums and nakedness. i think the giant naked drum circle was probably the weirdest part of the night. i didnt actually participate because i was on a break from alcohol at the time due to certain mistakes of last weekend.

the rest of the week involved class, skipping class, smoking, drinking, smoking some more and hanging out with chill people. its so great to be able to just go out into the quads and find anyone i could ever desire to hang out with. life is just so much simpler and better here than it ever was back home

this weekend has a lot of promise. i cant wait for all of the bay area kids to come down and visit. my roommate is out of town so we will have a place to party and alice has gotten us the hookup. hopefully tomorrow will be sunny or else things could get shitty.


...ok im gonna go write a paper now
what sound does a goose make?!

[30 Sep 2006|04:06pm]
so ive gone around to everyone i was with last night and have pieced together the events.

i started drinking with the usual gang but since i was drinking a handle of vodka and everyone else was sipping on beer i happened to get much drunker than most. we went down to the meadow but alice kim and i got bored quickly and decided to go smoke. pretty soon after that the gang came up from the meadow too. i told them to wait for me while i went to pee but upon entering into the dorms marco and some other guys asked me if they could have some alcohol. we went back to my room and drank even more. than we went to austins room where alice found me once again and invited me to smoke. we drank a even more while smoking and that is when the night begins to get a little hazy.

i have no idea where the gang was but ive heard from mikey and a few others that i was on the quad stumbling and smoking like most people on porter weekends. a cso approached me and apparently after giving him all of my information i pointed at him and asked in an accusing voice "wait a second...are you a rat". i tried to smoke a few ciggys backward and i think by the point the cso called the cops.

those bastards handcuffed me and drove me away to the santa cruz county jail where all of my shit was taken and i thrown into the drunk tank. this is where i start to remember things again. once i was conscious of the fact that i was in jail i began to bang on the door of the tank and when a cop came to answer my question i threw a fit about how they had no right to keep me there cause they never read me my rights. the cop just pushed me, i stumbled, and he slammed the door shut again. the other girls in the tank were all sleeping using toilet paper roles for pillows so i took their lead and plopped onto the floor. a while later i woke up and began to cry (not loudly just tears pouring down my face). i had no idea how much longer they would hold me there and all i wanted was to be with my friends in a warm room sleeping.

around 6:30 in the morning i was finally let out. they gave me my shit and told me i was not being charged wtih anything. then i was released into the darkness of town. unfortunatly i didnt know where i was in comparison to the school so i had to wander around the town helplessly looking for a street i recognized. somehow my uncanny sense of direction led me straight to mission and bay where i sat for a half hour waiting for the bus. when i finally got back to porter i passed out in my bed and began to cry again. what a fucking night.

i think that im not in too much trouble because its my first write up and porter is pretty easy going with that kinda thing.
4 questions ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[15 Sep 2006|06:46pm]
oh my god im moving in tomorrow. thats unbelievable! its been such a beautiful and yet strange last day in the bay. im almost completely packed and now im just setting up my new computer and missing my friends. i wish that i could still have a mac cause macs make me feel safe. new computers take such a while to personalize and i think im gonna lose all of my music cause my ipod is broken. whatever nothing from the past really matters anymore. im soo excited to start anew. i think my roomate is gonna be pretty awsome cause apparently she has already met molli and they get along well. i also think my classes, new friends, dorm room, and life in general is gonna be pretty awsome. i better be able to say goodbye to everyone tonight cause i havent yet at all. god what a strange fucking time.
what sound does a goose make?!

[07 Sep 2006|01:33pm]
so much to do and so little time
what sound does a goose make?!

[27 Aug 2006|01:15am]
so ive read even further into my lj past and ive decided that it is my goal to feel the way i did this past year. summer has change things and until now i did not remember just how content i was with the world and more importantly myself. i need to get back to that
1 question ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[27 Aug 2006|01:00am]
i was going through my old entries and noticed that i never finsihed my acid story. of course i could never do that now, after so much has happened and ive been forced back into the reality of life. i think i need to do acid again soon so i can finish my story in the mind set it was meant to be written in.
what sound does a goose make?!

[23 Aug 2006|01:46pm]
life has been confusing me a lot lately. im so lonely and desperate for someone but for some fucked up reason i have the inability to get close to anyone. i cant tell if i love my friends or hate them. i just have no idea whats going on with my body and cannot handle they way ive been feeling lately. im trying to cut back smoking ciggys and weed but who knows how long htat will last cause despite the fact that my body desperatly needs a break i know my mind needs those constant sources of escape. life has just been dissapointing me lately. i go out every day with hope for an exciting day but every night i come home and cant help but think that i could have been happier if i had just slept all day. i know that im being rediculous and annoying but i cant help it. im starting to hate myself again. my friends have helped me realize that i am always either obnoxiously drunk or just acting like a total bitch. fuck! not only am i getting progressivly uglier each day but i dont even have a positive attitude or pleasant personality to back me up. i wish i could feel the way i did when i was in rehab. my skin was clear, i wasnt a total fat ass, and i was so god damn happy and appreiciative of my life. fuck drugs i hate them soooo much.
3 questions ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[17 Aug 2006|09:10pm]
things are starting to get weird
1 question ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[08 Aug 2006|01:36am]
redding has been super fun although gay bay has been sick most of the time. today we went to the lake, swam in kates aunts pool, and went to a hella pretty bridge to look at the full moon. its been really relaxing to get away from the stresses of home but im really excited to get back and see dane and cassers in a few days. in other good news my birthday is hella soon!!!!!
2 questions ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[27 Jul 2006|03:40pm]
i like how whenever i look back on a certain period of time i always think of it as awsome. i think it cause i remember events and experiences rather than emotions. im excited to look back on this time and think of it as a fantastic summer.

anywho i went to orientation the other day and it was hella boring although it did manage to make me even more excited about college and leaving the house. i had to stay the night in santa cruz cause my dad got too drunk to drive home. it pissed me off cause he was like natalie drunk and as everyone knows that is really obnoxious. the one good thing about my drunken dad is that he doesnt think of me as a complete fuck up when hes drunk. it just sucks the next day when hes sober and completely changes his mind about me.

yesterday i was told i would have to enter into adult rehab. luckily today i convinced my mom that that was the stupidest thing in the world and she decided i dont have to go. this means i will never be drug tested again! ive been waiting for this for so long and it feels sooo good.

i also got a bunch of letters from zac yesterday which made me really happy and special.

today i had to go to the gynocologist which was obviously awkward. i am now gonna be on yasmin which is the pill that will be best for my shitty skin and least likely to make me gain weight. so far today has been pretty awsome.

i want to sneak out tonight and do something fun because im going to disneyland this weekend. anyone who loves me should hang out with me tonight
7 questions ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[21 Jul 2006|02:08am]
so tomorrow my parents come home. they already know about whats going on although i dont know the extent of their knowledge. i really dont know exactly how much trouble ill be in but i have a feeling that angelas mom made the situation seem much worse than it really was. being grounded for the last month i have with my friends will be miserable. i guess ill just need to find a good book or catch up on my sleeping. ill be happy to be home at least instead of the clapp family zoo. i just wish that i didnt have such god damn bad luck. i mean i know i do stupid shit constantly but so does everyone else and yet only angela and i seem to get caught.

lately ive just been so fed up with doing the same old thing constantly and im tired of pretending to be happy. i just want things to change.
what sound does a goose make?!

[18 Jul 2006|11:25pm]
this day can only be described as sunshine daydream and tactile DOOOME. fuck yea
2 questions ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[18 Jul 2006|11:30am]
its so hot and summery outside and i love it. i have a feeling today will be a great day considering EXPLORATORIUM!!!!1! and then later andrews cocktail party. hopefully angela and i will be able to catch the end of that. i checked my messages today and i have 10 from my parents wanting me to call and tell them how things are going. i dont know whether or not its better just to wait it out or get to them before mother clapp does. someone should think of a great excuse to get me out of this situation cause god knows im to lazy to do it for myself.

angela sleeps too much. im awake and i want company
2 questions ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[15 Jul 2006|07:31pm]
so i just had a really good day. for the first time in a while i felt refreshed and happy. now im at angelas, shes passed out on the couch, and i am alone. all fucking alone. i dont want to say goodbye to my friends once again, or summer or those people i love. i guess ill just put those coping skills ive developed into action. or maybe ill find at way to get fucked up and forget that i may have just left someone i really care about for good. i dunno whats going on...oh fuckin well
3 questions ?? what sound does a goose make?!

[14 Jul 2006|06:07pm]
summer is going pretty well right now considering i spend all day every day smoking drinking and smoking. its a nice way to live but i have to admit that im getting a little bored. thank god my parents are going out of town so i can have the place to myself for a while. i really want to go on a road trip...im gonna stop writing and plan that now
what sound does a goose make?!

[30 Jun 2006|10:07am]
ugg i cannot stand my dad. why does he insist that i have a job and take responsibility for my life when all i want to do is get fucked up with my friends. it must be a generation gap sort of thing.
what sound does a goose make?!

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